Don’t attack, don’t defend, don’t withdraw

Most of you know that I grew up Mennonite. 

When I worked in the Mennonite context, I used to propose non-pacifist viewpoints, for the sake of variety if nothing else. Now that I work in the broader American context, I feel compelled to promote the pacifist view, not just for the sake of variety, but because it is so widely seen as not viable — disconnected from the “real world” — and the pacifist view is more viable that you might think.

Robert Yutzy, in a recent issue of Mennonite Weekly, gave three guidelines for peacemaking and conflict resolution in everyday interactions:

1. Don’t attack
2. Don’t react
3. Don’t withdraw

It’s easy to do the first two. Just withdraw, and you’re OK. Well, Yutzy says, two out of three is still not success, and there are several problems:

1. You're still angry
2. You didn’t resolve the issue at hand
3. Your relationship has probably been damaged

Yutzy’s daughter advises her dad to take a deep breath before he indulges himself in the corny humor that he enjoys at home. Perhaps that would help us all be better peacemakers and more effective co-workers, spouses, friends, etc.

So take a deep breath, and then,

1. Don’t attack
2. Don’t react
3. Don’t withdraw