Starved for Affection

May 21, 2009 — I read this in Newsweek today:

A specific cluster of emotional traits seem to go along with compassion. People who are emotionally secure, who view life’s problems as manageable and who feel safe and protected tend to show the greatest empathy for strangers and to act altruistically and compassionately.

In contrast, people who are anxious about their own worth and competence, who avoid close relationships, or are clingy in those, tend to be less altruistic and less generous, psychologists Philip Shaver of the University of California, Davis, and Mario Mikulincer of Bar-Ilan University in Israel have found in a series of experiments.

I have to think of today’s debate about what to do with the “terrorists.”

The campaign against the so-called terrorists reminds me of the fear tactics of recent political campaigns, the basic message of which was, “be afraid; be very afraid.” Once again some politicians are artfully plucking the “fear” strings of the American heart. And fear leads to hatred. It’s an easy path to follow.

Christians have an answer to fear: God is love. You are in God when you love each other. Perfect love casts out fear.

But when your emotional bank account is in a deficit position, it’s hard not to fear and dislike others.

A loving community can help heal your fear. When we see each other as persons of worth, despite our perceived self-image (not young, not smart, not loving, not whatever) — when we communicate esteem for each other — we nurture the souls of each other, and we begin to feel that we ourselves are persons of worth.

You can also nurture yourself, believe it or not. I am using a technique of self-talk in which I identify my inner child, listen to him, and then cherish, comfort and love that little boy.

Again, you’ll do better if you can be part of a group that meets regularly and cherishes you. I choose my church. There are many groups within the church where I find nourishment — choirs, my Sunday School class, parents, the Prime Timers Fellowship.

You may choose a group of friends or other group. I recommend the church, although sometimes that doesn’t work out. Christians are needy too, and they don’t always take care of themselves. But that’s a topic for another day.

Love overcomes fear (pre-election 2008)

It's fair to say that “the hopes and fears of all the years” rest on the outcome of next Tuesday's election.

• Some people are afraid of socialism.
  
• Some are afraid that our economy is headed south. (I'm there.)
  
• Some are afraid of another terrorist attack.
  
• Some are afraid that Obama will win.
• Some are afraid that McCain/Palin will win.
• We are all afraid of the unknown. It is the season of fear - “be afraid; be very afraid.”

We all have a shadow - that subconscious place where our fears reside. Politicians have known how to appeal to our shadows for years.

But what about the rest of that line - "the hopes and fears of all the years are met in Thee tonight?"

Exactly right. The author of 1 John says,

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love. 1 John 4:18

The early Christians had every reason to fear – and to hate – their enemies. Yet they took the way of the Cross as their way of life. They laid down their lives for their faith. Perhaps they were following John's radical understanding of the nature of God:

God is love.

The early Christians lived by the rule of love. They took Jesus' way of service and servanthood as their way of life. The “fed the hungry, welcomed the stranger,” etc.

I would encourage us all to expose our fearful side to the light of God's love. Remember who we are and whose we are. We can respond to God's world, not with our gut, but with our heart, and yes, even with our minds.

Trust GOD from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for GOD'S voice in everything you do, everywhere you go, he's the one who will keep you on track. Proverbs 3:5-6, The Message

Post-election advice (November, 2008)

Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile. Pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare. Jeremiah 29:7

Mennonites used to view “the world” with suspicion. Voting was not encouraged and running for political office was unheard of. We took quite literally Paul’s advice to be “in the world, but not of the world.” (translation: no smoking, no drinking, no dancing, etc., plus no military service).

We took the words of Jesus to heart: “render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s and unto God the things that are God’s.” Throughout their history, Mennonites viewed the country in which they lived as “Caesar,” whether it was Switzerland, Prussia, Russia or the USA.

On the other hand, folks growing up in mainline churches embraced the culture they were in, and loyalty to country was nearly equal to loyalty to the Kingdom of God. For many, God and country — cross and flag — were fused.

In the spirit of John Wesley, I would encourage us to broaden our thinking on this sensitive area and embrace something of the other point of view, with scripture as our compass.

Those of us who have tended to stand away from our culture and our country might consider public service and working for the good of others. “Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile.”

Those of us who have embraced our country and our culture as equal to — or a close second to — Christianity, might consider claiming the word, “exile” — strangers in a foreign land. We might pray that, as Americans, we become a more righteous, just and loving people. We might look at the actions of government through the lense of scripture.

Regardless of how we voted in the past election, I hope that we will seek the welfare of our country and pray on its behalf. The current crises are daunting, to say the least.

Our Agape youth choir sings an anthem, “The Journey Is Our Home,” by Allen Pote. Here are some of the words:

Awake, arise, the journey’s begun. We travel on together as one. We know not where the road will lead, but we move in faith, making love our creed as we follow; the journey is our home.

Exiles in a foreign land. Seek the welfare of the city where you are.

An interesting journey

I am increasingly aware of the dynamic change within as I open myself to experience life’s pain and life’s joy.

It is reassuring to know that people think they haven’t arrived when they say, “God ain’t done with me yet.” But the saying is also theologically sound.

In Wesleyan theology, we are created in the image of God; we have fallen from that image, and in Jesus Christ and with the power of the Holy Spirit, we are “moving toward perfection.” In other words, God isn’t done with us yet. We are changing and growing toward that image that God has place in each of us.

To the extent that it is possible, I think it is helpful to open ourselves to the pain as well as the beauty of life. In my sister-in-law’s (Donna’s) words, “I am opening myself to experience the terrible beauty of Don’s journey toward death.” Donna is growing in grace, and I want to grow in grace.

I asked Donna if the time after Don’s funeral was especially hard for her — the time after everyone had gone.

“Oh, no,” she said. “Even as I cry out in my sadness and loneliness, I still cherish this time. I need this time alone. This is a very interesting experience.”

I’m not at that place, but I am aware that I am nurturing the little boy within — the boy who gets scared and sad. I am taking care of him. Jesus said we should love others as we love ourselves. I think it’s OK to nurture that little boy (or little girl) within. That’s part of growing in grace.

What a wonderful journey this life is. And what a wonder it is that God gave us each other to share that journey. Thanks be to God!