Starved for Affection

May 21, 2009 — I read this in Newsweek today:

A specific cluster of emotional traits seem to go along with compassion. People who are emotionally secure, who view life’s problems as manageable and who feel safe and protected tend to show the greatest empathy for strangers and to act altruistically and compassionately.

In contrast, people who are anxious about their own worth and competence, who avoid close relationships, or are clingy in those, tend to be less altruistic and less generous, psychologists Philip Shaver of the University of California, Davis, and Mario Mikulincer of Bar-Ilan University in Israel have found in a series of experiments.

I have to think of today’s debate about what to do with the “terrorists.”

The campaign against the so-called terrorists reminds me of the fear tactics of recent political campaigns, the basic message of which was, “be afraid; be very afraid.” Once again some politicians are artfully plucking the “fear” strings of the American heart. And fear leads to hatred. It’s an easy path to follow.

Christians have an answer to fear: God is love. You are in God when you love each other. Perfect love casts out fear.

But when your emotional bank account is in a deficit position, it’s hard not to fear and dislike others.

A loving community can help heal your fear. When we see each other as persons of worth, despite our perceived self-image (not young, not smart, not loving, not whatever) — when we communicate esteem for each other — we nurture the souls of each other, and we begin to feel that we ourselves are persons of worth.

You can also nurture yourself, believe it or not. I am using a technique of self-talk in which I identify my inner child, listen to him, and then cherish, comfort and love that little boy.

Again, you’ll do better if you can be part of a group that meets regularly and cherishes you. I choose my church. There are many groups within the church where I find nourishment — choirs, my Sunday School class, parents, the Prime Timers Fellowship.

You may choose a group of friends or other group. I recommend the church, although sometimes that doesn’t work out. Christians are needy too, and they don’t always take care of themselves. But that’s a topic for another day.